Shattered Lives

Kids can be cruel...and kids can be fragile.

A 15 year old girl in Massachusetts, Phoebe Prince, took her life after what has been called "an unrelenting series of harassment" by other students.  Now, 9 of these students are accused of crimes associated with this tragedy.  One life is irrevocably lost, and nine more may be irrevocably ruined...because adults didn't or couldn't do their jobs.  Click here to hear an insightful radio article on this issue.

I have heard from a family from West Haven about a bullying instance that is all too similar to the recent tragedy in Massachusetts.  Thank God, our child's parents were able to discern this problem, and the system seems to be responding correctly.

We shouldn't expect kids to fully understand the implications of what they do....because they're kids. 

But we must expect the adults in the school to be sensitive to such situations, and to intervene to ameliorate the issue (and to correct those who have caused the problem).

Part of the problem is the dual role we assign our educators:  in loco parentis  - Latin for "in the position of the parents" - has been replaced (mainly by legal decision) by in loco provitor: "in the place of the caretaker".  In short, the authority of our schools has been reduced to the level of babysitters.  And we wonder why our kids "isn't" learning?

We ask too much of our educators:  we demand that they: (a) make all our kids learn, when some of them aren't motivated to learn;  and (b) simultaneously keep enough control to give those students (who are motivated to learn) the opportunity to do so.  At the same time, we decline to provide the education system the tools to enforce these two goals.  And, again I ask, we wonder why our children "isn't" learning?

Even more importantly, we have no way to educate our children about the value of the diversity which has  made this country the best on earth.  Kids naturally tend to aggregate with those who are most like themselves: this is only natural at that time of their lives.  Things are changing which they don't fully understand; those who are experiencing different changes - or are experiencing the same changes at a different rate (or who are dealing with these changes with less difficulty) are singled out and despised as "different", and thus are "fair game" for being made fun of.  This reaction will come easily to children, who are unexpectedly insecure about the changes going on in their young lives.

But we as adults have already have experienced this same insecurity; we should be able to educate our young as to how to channel this insecurity into productive channels.  And we have failed in this responsibility.

And what about this Westie kid...who expected and deserved assistance from the teachers in this environment (including the administrators)?????  What scars will this child bear through life, thanks to the West Haven Public Education System?  Is this the future we want in this town?  Is this the future we want to build?  And how many more of these futures are we creating?

The small bits of information I've received about our local problem have cut me to the heart, because I was the victim of bullying while I was in school.  I made the damnable sin of insisting on befriending the least attractive of my class-mates; I refused to join in with the general denunciation  and ridicule of the "class faggot" (remember, this was the '60's and '70's).  I also had the unforgivable sin of being a nerd: I was into computers, math and science well before they were "cool".  I was also thrown into a new environment, in middle school, after a lifetime of a very steadily unchanging environment.  To put it simply, I didn't adapt well.  That's the short story.

I had the advantage - like our current West Haven student - of a strong family environment.  I survived (though I will never attend a school reunion!)

But how many kids in West Haven are out there, experiencing the same Hell, but who haven't the same family foundation?  How many more shattered young lives are we to accept?  And, are we ready to accept the consequences and future costs of these lost children?

For those who want to hear more,  I have many more papers on this matter; email me for this info.